Addiction recovery programs, such as 12-Step and Health Realization, helped me stay sober in early recovery. They introduced me to some key concepts for growth—I’m not knocking-it. But sobriety does not mean I am recovered. These programs are designed for recovery, but is that even the end game?

“Recovery is defined as a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength: the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.”

It sounds good, but I want to dissect these definitions a bit.

For one, what is a normal state? Because a “normal” level of health in the United States isn’t all that great. I mean, which phase of my life am I trying to get back to since it was the culmination of all my life experiences that resulted in my addiction.

Some hold the theory that it was the drug that got me addicted. NO, the drug was filling a need that was not there. I couldn’t lose something I never had. So how far back do I go? It seems that the goal everyone is being led to is to get back to a prior state of health, get back the things I had lost. Go backwards! Reverse the tape to some point in time when I thought I was “good”.  That is the definition of recovery, and it assumes that we were healthy, back then.

My gamechanger was when I heard Carl Jung say that recovery is not the goal, the goal is metamorphosis, to grow into something entirely new. To get to a state I had never been, even before my addiction.

But early recovery is long, the first 1-3 years. And during this time, along with all those years of addiction, there was little to no clarity about identifying my darkness vs. identifying AS my darkness.

Identity is the validation for behavior. This is crucial. This is the reason many can’t escape addiction, because they are always trying to get back that which they had lost instead of finding something new.

Sober or not, we say, “I am an alcoholic, I am bipolar, I am a smoker, I am an addict, I am …”. And whatever we say after the words “I am”, well, that’s what we are. This is a practice that kept me struggling and surviving instead of thriving.

Why not say, “I am a great father, I am healed, I am mastering my energy flow,” anything other than identifying myself by my worst traits.

While it was mandatory for me to face my darkness, I came to realize that this shadow doesn’t go away just because I shed some light on it. When I shift the focus of my light, the shadow comes right back. At some point it needed to be integrated, contained, and transcended. Otherwise known as, moving on.

But if I AM in recovery, I AM Identifying as that darkness and therefore stuck. The identification suggests that it still has some useful purpose, and remains in the forefront. Keeping my past in front of me was my biggest blockade.

When I removed the blockade, I changed my progress from reaction to action. It changed from “when this happens, I do that,” to, “when I do that this happens.” What’s the big difference? A victim in the story becomes the author of the book.

This transition happens at different rates for everyone; it took me about a decade. Mainly because of the common linguistic practices I named earlier.

But wait, there’s more.

After the shift happens (and it will come in waves), what happened when I did finally compose my true Self—the mirror instead of the shadow behind me. The world wasn’t used to it. I wasn’t used to it. It was unfamiliar, and uncomfortable for the people around me. I’m not saying people liked it when I was stuck in addiction and recovery, but it did take some getting used to the new me, or the me that was hidden for so long in the darkness.